Daniel Davis, LMFT

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Do You Know Someone Caring for Their Aging Mom or Dad?

September 9, 2018 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

In 2006, my mom had a stroke. It has been very challenging – at times -caring for my mom as well as making decisions about her welfare. Yet there is little in my life that has taught me more about patience, compassion, faith, and love.

When I began this journey in 2006, I had no idea how long our family, friends, and I would be coping with these complicated and important issues regarding my mother’s care.

But with all the many complications and pain, there has been much growth and joy. I am very grateful for the opportunities that I have had to learn about caring for aging adults.

Janet Child from the Center for Living with Dying has a playlist with several videos about caregiving for aging parents and as well as grief. Please watch these videos:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLhd63xSGvW8AKigSOyLrA2nTCR5ay2g54

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Filed Under: Blog, Grief and Loss Tagged With: adults, aging, caretaking, Centre for Living with Dying, compassion, complications, faith, growth, Janet Childs, joy, love, making decisions, pain, parent, patience, stroke

What is Tragedy?

August 30, 2018 By Daniel Davis, LMFT 2 Comments

Whether it is a fire, tsunami, or a school shooting, tragedy can come in many forms.  A tragedy can be very disruptive both in our relationships and work as well as inside of us – in our thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

We can lose our home in a fire.  The many complications of losing a home can create great hardship.  We may have no safe place to sleep.  We may have lost someone we love dearly to fire. 

These complications of our life can be magnified by our internal reactions.  We may lose sleep. Our attention may wander.  Memories may flood our mind suddenly.  We may react angrily for little reason. 

Please watch this video by Janet Childs from the Center for Living with Dying about tragedy:

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Filed Under: Blog, Grief and Loss Tagged With: angrily, attention, behavior, Center for Living with Dying, disruptive, feelings, fire, flood, Janet Childs, memories, mind, react, relationships, school shooting, thoughts, tragedy, tsunami, work

Shame and Guilt and Grief

June 4, 2018 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

Do you avoid talking or thinking about a subject because it is so embarrassing? Have you ever kept a secret from yourself?

Our shame and guilt can have an enormous impact on our lives.  We can devise elaborate methods to avoid the pain of toxic shame.

Maya who is gifted in math class pretends to not understand, because she does not want to appear intelligent.  Maya would rather not stand out, so she gets a grade of a C instead of an A.

Toxic shame is the feeling and belief that one is worthless.  The energy of shame can create walls that keep us from our deepest desires we may not even realize we want.

Our intelligence and our psychological insight cannot prevent toxic shame from robbing us of our joy and fulfillment.  Isn’t it a shame when a talented guitarist never plays publicly again because of his need to play perfectly?

Especially in the area of grief and loss, we can be affected by guilt and shame.  We may feel responsible for someone’s injury even though it was not our fault.

Please watch this video by Janet Childs about shame and guilt:

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Filed Under: Blog, Grief and Loss Tagged With: belief, Center for Living with Dying, deepest desires, embarrassing, feelings, grief, guilt, intelligence, Janet Childs, psychological insight, secret, shame, toxic shame, walls, worthless

What Do You Say When Someone Talks About Taking Their Life?

May 29, 2018 By Daniel Davis, LMFT 1 Comment

On a warm July night in 1985, I drove to the Capital Drive in Movie Theater to watch “Mad Max Beyond Thunder Dome.”

I was 22 years old and had just graduated from West Valley College with my AA degree in French. My friend Arthur who was 33 years old had suggested that we see the film. I was saddened by my father’s death the year before, but I was hopeful about starting at San Jose State University in the Fall as a transfer student.

On this July night, I parked next to the speaker at the drive in theater in my 1984 Toyota Pickup Truck and pulled it into the window of my truck.

Arthur and I chatted about West Valley College and the Oakland Raiders and Sammy Hagar. Arthur suddenly said when I get my check this month, I am going to get my gun out of the pawn shop and kill myself.

I was very angry at Arthur. I was outraged and insisted that he stop talking about it. Arthur kept talking about it, and I drove Arthur home before the movie ever started. I never told anyone what Arthur had said to me. I never spoke to Arthur again.

A month later, Arthur’s brother Bill called me and told me Arthur had killed himself with his shot gun. Bill asked me to be a pall bearer at Arthur’s funeral, and I accepted the honor.

It took me many years to accept what had happened. I felt grief as well as tremendous guilt over many years. My friend Arthur’s suicide was very painful for me.

I wish that I had known to ask someone knowledgeable about Arthur’s intentions to kill himself. I wish I had known what I could do.

Please watch this video by Janet Childs from the Center for Living with Dying about what to say to someone who talks about taking their life:

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Filed Under: Blog, Grief and Loss Tagged With: 1984, Capital Drive in, Centre for Living with Dying, funeral, Janet Childs, Mad Max Beyond Thunder Dome, movie, Movie Theater, Oakland Raiders, pall bearer, Sammy Hagar, San Jose State University, suicide, Toyota Pickup Truck, West Valley College

Coping with Grief and Loss

May 22, 2018 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

Endings are difficult.  Divorce, death, and moving to another home seem particularly challenging, when I read research.  These research studies use statistics and can sort what events tend to cause people to feel stress.

Individuals are not numbers.  What distresses one person can delight another.  Bob says divorce is terrible.  Jasmine insists divorce is the most incredible event of her life.

Yet again, transitions require us to adjust.  It takes some energy to adapt to our new circumstances.  Our perception of the change can have a great impact on how we adjust to our new conditions.

Muhammad is devastated, because his wife left.  Hafiz was ecstatic, after he left home.

Whether we perceive these events as good or bad, adjustments are required.  It is wise to take extra care of ourselves as we go through the passage of change.  This doorway can surprise us in its intensity.

Please watch this video by Janet Childs, from the Center for Living with Dying, about coping with loss and grief:

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Filed Under: Blog, Grief and Loss Tagged With: Centre for Living with Dying, change, Coping, death, divorce, endings, grief, Janet Childs, loss, moving, new home, perception, transitions

How To Talk to Someone About Cancer

May 15, 2018 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

In 1981, my dad had told me that he was diagnosed with lymphatic cancer.  After exploratory surgery, the doctors had told my dad that he had six months to live.

I enjoyed my time with my dad after I learned of his cancer.  My dad and I went out to eat.  We watched the San Francisco 49ers on television and went to Candlestick Park to watch the San Francisco Giants.

In early 1984, my mom told me that Howard Abrams, our family friend, had liver cancer. She told me that liver cancer was particularly deadly. She said that I could go see Howard at University of California, San Francisco, Medical Center (UCSF Medical Center), if I wanted to see him before he died.  I now had two people close to me with a cancer diagnosis, and I was just 21 years old.

I drove up to San Francisco in my Datsun station wagon. UCSF Medical Center was about an hour drive to the north from Silicon Valley where I was born and still live.

I was shocked when I saw Howard. His hair was patchy. His skin had a yellow color from bile from his liver I think. Howard’s watch dangled loosely around his wrist, because he had lost so much weight.

Howard and I chatted for about an hour or so. He seemed to accept his coming death, even though he had a wife and two small children.

In April 1984, one day my mom told me that Howard had died.

In June 1984, I was driving to the Oregon Coast for a vacation as I was on summer break from West Valley College. I left work at 10:00pm and drove up highway 101 all night until I reached Crescent City, a few miles from the California and Oregon border, where I ate breakfast. After eating, I called my mom to let her know I was safe. My mom said, “Your dad died last night.  His heart stopped in the middle of the night.”

Why do bad things happen? I do not know! Cancer seems to be a terrible disease for patients as well as families and friends to endure.

Please watch this video by Janet Childs about what to say to someone who has cancer:

Keywords:
Blog 69
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Howard Abrams
liver
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Datsun station wagon
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How To Talk to Someone About Cancer

Filed Under: Blog, Grief and Loss Tagged With: cancer, Candlestick Park, Crescent City, Datsun, discuss, highway 101, Howard Abrams, Janet Childs, liver, lymphatic cancer, Medical Center, Oregon Coast, San Francisco, San Francisco 49ers, San Francisco Giants, station wagon, summer break, talk, talking about cancer, UCSF Medical Center, vacation, West Valley College

Talking to Kids about Death

May 9, 2018 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

Children are precious. They are our greatest resource – our future. How we treat them shapes our future. How we talk to children influences who they become.

When we talk to children about death, we carry great weight with our words. They form their beliefs about death through their experiences and our conversations with them.

Take care to attend to their needs. They will be influenced greatly by your willingness to suffer for their betterment.

Please watch this video by Janet Childs, co-founder of the Centre for Living with Dying, about talking with children about death:

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Filed Under: Blog, Marriage and Family, Videos Tagged With: beliefs, Centre for Living with Dying, children, conversations, death, experiences, Janet Childs, words

How Do I Deal With Loss?

November 24, 2015 By Daniel Davis, LMFT 2 Comments

In 1981, my father asked me to meet him at Baskin Robbins ice cream store, near my mom’s apartment where I lived. He bought me ice cream, probably a Banana Royale with Pistachio ice cream, hot fudge, and bananas and whip cream. As I ate my ice cream, my dad told me he had cancer. I was on 18 years old and did not expect such adult news. A few days later, I was playing football with friends. I began talking with my friend Chris about traveling to Los Angeles to see the preseason Monday Night Football game between New England Patriots and Los Angeles Rams. By 7:00pm, we were at the airport and waiting for our airplane. We checked into the Newporter, a resort, in Orange County. I let my sadness carry me all the way to Southern California. I remembered in the middle of the trip that my father was having exploratory surgery. I called home and heard he was ok.

When the doctors at Kaiser Permanente Hospital surgically opened up my father’s body, they could see that cancer was riddled throughout his lymphatic system. His doctors simply closed up the incision and told my father that had six months to live. I cherish the time I had to spend with him until his death on June 10, 1984.

I had four people close to me die from April 1984 until August 1985. My response to all of these tragedies was to avoid my sadness. Later in my life, I had to learn to do the work of grief. Sadness has an important function in the grieving process. Grief turns us inward. We can lose energy, poor concentration, experience sleep changes, lose motivation and experience changes in our appetite.

Grief not only has to do with death, but also with the ending of relationships of all kinds, including marriages. Daniel Goleman writes, “The main purpose for sadness is to help adjust to a significant loss, such as the death of someone close or a major disappointment. Sadness brings a drop in energy and enthusiasm for life’s activities, particular diversions and pleasures, and, as it deepens and approaches depression, slows the body’s metabolism. This loss of energy may well have kept saddened – and vulnerable – early humans close to home, where they were safer.”

Whenever you love someone and you are no longer able to spend time with them, you naturally feel pain. Yet there is a difference between the pain as a result of loss and the suffering as a result of false beliefs and avoidance. David Kessler said, “One of the biggest problems is that you might try to push aside or ignore your feelings. You judge them as too little or too much. You carry a lot of bottled up emotions, and anger is often one that is suppressed. In order for it to heal, however, it must be released. We’re not speaking only about anger associated with death, but about anytime we feel anger. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the renowned grief expert who identified the Five Stages of Grief, said we could feel anger, let it pass through us, and be done with it in a few minutes. She went on to say that any anger we feel over 15 minutes is old anger.”

What is the journey to healthy grief and eventually to resolution? I have learned to lean into the sadness as well as other emotions. By acknowledging and consciously experiencing the sadness, we can let go. Our loses need to be integrated psychologically. Grief enables us to update our consciousness with reality. The current loss reveals other losses – not integrated – that lie beneath. Grieving can take time. Eventually, we can remember the wonderful parts of the past and not experience the pain. Janet Childs who works for the Centre for Living with Dying, in Santa Clara, California, USA, said “grieving is like the ocean tides. The grief can come and go. Some days can be harder than others.”

We all experience grief differently. When I am grieving, it really helps to let myself be. I like to pay attention to my body and follow my inclinations. When I am able to minimize my obligations, I am free to follow my inclinations. As long as it is not self-destructive, I indulge myself. If I am tired, I sleep. If I am hungry, I eat. If I just stare off into space, it is ok.

Having empathic and accepting people to listen are invaluable. It helps to have a few good listeners – too not overburden any one person.

During a loss, We may discover that our thoughts are negative. When we break up a relationship, we may think “I will always be alone.” “Why do bad things always happen to me?”

Sadness can be subtle. It is very important and its power as well as the power of all other emotions should not be underestimated. Daniel Goleman writes that sadness is “grief, sorrow, cheerlessness, gloom, melancholy, self-pity, loneliness, dejection, despair, and when pathological, severe depression.” Please watch this video by Janet Childs on grief and loss:

Keywords:
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Daniel Goleman
David Kessler
Judith Peterson
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death
doctors
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grief
ice cream
Kaiser Permanente Hospital
lymphatic system
motivation, poor
sadness, definition and purpose
sleep changes
Monday Night Football
tragedies

 

Filed Under: Blog, Emotions, Mindfulness Tagged With: appetite changes, Baskin Robbins, cancer, Centre for Living with Dying, concentration poor, Daniel Goleman, David Kessler, death, definition and purpose, doctors, drawing for healing, energy, father, grief, grief and loss, Hospital, ice cream, Janet Childs, Judith Peterson, Kaiser Permanente, lose, lymphatic system, Monday Night Football, motivation poor, sadness, sleep changes, tragedies

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About Daniel Davis, LMFT

I create an environment where clients experience their unique significance, authentic empowerment, and profound acceptance and collaborate with clients to identify solutions to their current crises. For more information on how I can help you, contact me today by calling 408-249-0014 or emailing info@danieldavislmft.com. I look forward to speaking with you! Read More…

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Daniel Davis, M.A., LMFT
Counselor in Santa Clara, CA
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