Daniel Davis, LMFT

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Shame and Guilt and Grief

June 4, 2018 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

Do you avoid talking or thinking about a subject because it is so embarrassing? Have you ever kept a secret from yourself?

Our shame and guilt can have an enormous impact on our lives.  We can devise elaborate methods to avoid the pain of toxic shame.

Maya who is gifted in math class pretends to not understand, because she does not want to appear intelligent.  Maya would rather not stand out, so she gets a grade of a C instead of an A.

Toxic shame is the feeling and belief that one is worthless.  The energy of shame can create walls that keep us from our deepest desires we may not even realize we want.

Our intelligence and our psychological insight cannot prevent toxic shame from robbing us of our joy and fulfillment.  Isn’t it a shame when a talented guitarist never plays publicly again because of his need to play perfectly?

Especially in the area of grief and loss, we can be affected by guilt and shame.  We may feel responsible for someone’s injury even though it was not our fault.

Please watch this video by Janet Childs about shame and guilt:

Blog 72

Filed Under: Blog, Grief and Loss Tagged With: belief, Center for Living with Dying, deepest desires, embarrassing, feelings, grief, guilt, intelligence, Janet Childs, psychological insight, secret, shame, toxic shame, walls, worthless

Genius and Intelligence

November 21, 2017 By Daniel Davis, LMFT 1 Comment

What is your gift?  What can you do that no other human being can do just like you?”

“There is nothing special about me!” said the character, Jack Lucas, in the film, The Fisher King.  “I control my own destiny.”

Life is mysterious. Yet I believe that we all have a certain genius. The word genius comes from the root of gignere which was to ‘beget.’  We bring forth or give birth to something, according to this definition of genius.

In the late 16th century, the word genius had evolved to mean natural ability.  By the mid 17th century, genius came to mean ‘exceptional natural ability.”

The evolution of the word genius seems to reflect our cultural perception that we are not all gifted as individuals.  There are special people who are different than average humans, like you and me.

It is my experience that everyone has unique gifts.  School can be confusing, because of its emphasis on language and mathematical ability.  Often we see a person’s I.Q. (Intelligence Quotient) as a number which defines whether she or he has genius or not.  Further, our I.Q. is too often seen as fixed and never changing.

Alfred Binet originally developed the intelligence test to identify which French students would have difficulty in school to assist them.  It is ironic that we now use the concept of IQ to label and shame others.  IQ scores have a long history of gender and cultural bias.

Fortunately, Howard Gardner developed the ideas of Multiple Intelligence.  He asserted that there are nine different types of intelligence:

1.  language (Verbal-Linguistic)
2.  mathematics (and logic)
3.  science (Naturalist)
4.  artistic (Visual-Spatial)
5.  athletic (Bodily/Kinesthetic)
6.  musical
7.  interpersonal (social)
8.  intrapersonal (self-awareness)
9.  existential (meaning of life)

Your IQ score will not reveal your creativity, your common sense, or your social skills.  The singer, Lady Gaga has high Musical Intelligence.  The tennis player, Serena Williams has great physical abilities.  The teacher, Thich Nhat Hahn has high intrapersonal Intelligence.

Yet one does not need to be famous to have genius.  I think each of us has unique gifts with which we are born.  It is our opportunity and privilege to develop these talents.  The saddest thing is when families and schools fail to recognize the uniqueness of each child, leaving one to feel insignificant, powerless, or unlovable.

If we work hard at developing our natural gifts, then we are able to experience the joy of expressing our gifts in sophisticated ways.  Richard Bolles writes, “where your great passion meets the great need of the world, that is where your work lies.”

May each of us have the courage to take the heroic journey of individuation.  May we work and struggle to develop the natural gifts with which we are born.

Charles Baudelaire writes that “genius is childhood recaptured.”  A healthy relationship with our inner child may assist us in developing our unique talents in love and work.  Please watch this video by Judith Peterson,M.A., on the Inner Child:

Keywords:
Blog 66
Blogs by Daniel Davis, Genius and Intelligence
Alfred Binet
Richard Bolles
Lady Gaga
Howard Gardner
Thich Nhat Hahn
Serena Williams
“The Fisher King,” Movie
“Jack Lucas,” character from Fisher King
ability
exceptional natural
special people
average humans
School
I.Q. (Intelligence Quotient)
Multiple Intelligence
language
Verbal
Linguistic
mathematics
logic
science
Naturalist
artistic
Visual
Spatial
athletic
Bodily
Kinesthetic
Musical
interpersonal
social
intrapersonal
self-awareness
existential
meaning of life
“What Color is Your Parachute?,” book
Charles Baudelaire
Genius and Intelligence

Filed Under: Becoming Aware (Consciousness), Blog, Career Development, Dialogue Tagged With: “What Color is Your Parachute?, ability, Alfred Binet, artistic, athletic, average, Bodily, book, character, Charles Baudelaire, exceptional, existential, Fisher King, Genius, Howard Gardner, humans, I.Q., intelligence, Intelligence Quotient, interpersonal, intrapersonal, Jack Lucas, Kinesthetic, Lady Gaga, language, Linguistic, logic, mathematics, meaning of life, movie, Multiple, Musical, natural, Naturalist, Richard Bolles, school, Science, self-awareness, Serena Williams, social, Spatial, special people, The Fisher King, Thich Nhat Hahn, Verbal, Visual

What is Your Mindset?

February 16, 2016 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

Does someone’s intelligence change? In the early twentieth century, Alfred Binet invented the I.Q. test as a way to identify children who were not benefiting from the public schools in Paris, France. The hope was that new educational methods could be developed to help these children who were not progressing in Paris public schools. Binet writes: “With practice, training, and above all, method, we manage to increase attention, our memory, and our judgment and literally to become more intelligent than we here before.”

With the recent finding in neuroscience, scientists are finding that we have more capacity for learning and the development of our brain for our entire lives. Robert Sternberg writes that the most important reason that someone becomes an expert is “not some fixed prior ability, but purposeful engagement.”

A mindset is defined as “a person’s way of thinking and their opinions.” A fixed mindset means that the person believes that their qualities are carved in stone. Success is about being more gifted than others. They are constantly comparing themselves with others. This attitude means that the person must prove them self over and over again. They do not believe in effort. If you are talented, they you do not have to work hard. They assume that they are either good at something or not. They do not realize that some things take time to learn.

When someone has the fixed mindset, their focus is on looking good and being flawless. People with a fixed mindset do not like challenges. They may walk away when challenges get too difficult. Those with a fixed mindset tend to look for others to blame for their mistakes. They greatly fail to estimate their ability and their performance.

As students they are most interested in proving their ability. They have higher levels of depression. “They tormented themselves with the idea that setbacks meant they were incompetent or unworthy. . . . Failure labeled them and left them no route to success,” writes Dr. Carol Dweck.

A growth mindset assumes that success is about being the best self you can be. It assumes that a person’s true potential can never be known. The growth mindset is the idea that our ability can be developed with effort. As students, they let go of how successful or intelligent that they appear to others. They focus on learning and are willing to ask questions that reveal that they do not know. When we believe that we can develop ourselves, then we are also open to hearing about our faults. In fact, failure is an opportunity to learn about yourself.

We can learn how to change our attitude to a growth mindset. When we change to a growth mindset, our ideas about change and effort will change as well. Please watch this video by Bob Epperly on taking responsibility in business and learn about working with a growth mindset:

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Filed Under: Blog, Projection Tagged With: Alfred Binet, Bob Epperly, Carol Dweck, intelligence, mindset, potential, responsibility, Robert Sternberg, success

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About Daniel Davis, LMFT

I create an environment where clients experience their unique significance, authentic empowerment, and profound acceptance and collaborate with clients to identify solutions to their current crises. For more information on how I can help you, contact me today by calling 408-249-0014 or emailing info@danieldavislmft.com. I look forward to speaking with you! Read More…

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Daniel Davis, M.A., LMFT
Counselor in Santa Clara, CA
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