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Self-Love and Narcissism

November 7, 2017 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

Is selfishness always a bad thing? What is narcissism?  The word narcissistic is in the news a lot recently.  What does it mean?

Narcissism is an exaggerated view of your own abilities and wanting praise from others.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines narcissism as “extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one’s own talents and a craving for admiration.”

While most of us would recognize the problem with narcissism, I do need to be self-centered in healthy ways.  My body needs adequate sleep, healthful food, and frequent exercise.

When I neglect myself when I get too hungry, lonely, angry, or tired, and I am more likely to be self-centered.  I may try to love others, but I am too needy.  If I do not get 8 hours sleep at night, I may be so tired that my concentration is poor.  I may not listen well.  I may not be aware of myself and talk too much, too loudly, or insensitively.

Moreover, when I do not see myself and my story clearly, I relate to others from a cloudy point of view.  This is called a projection.

I need to see others as they are – no more or less.  I need to be see myself as I am.  This is an authentic relationship.  I am human which means I need real relationships.  It is important to be noticed by others.  I need to matter to myself as well as others.  I need to be treated with respect.  Others need to be treated with respect.

The golden rule is “to love thy neighbor as thy self…”.  When I treat myself well, I have the patience and resilience to nurture others.  This is being selfish in a wise way.

Psychotherapy, pastoral counseling, meditation, 12 step work, or coaching with energy psychology techniques enable me to learn to see my story more clearly.  Seeing my narrative clearly enables me to see myself as well as others with more objective eyes.

For example, if I get angry or afraid when someone mentions money, then I am unable to listen objectively on the subject of money.  When someone talks about money, I am distracted by my anger or fear, and do not hear their story.  It is like driving with a dirty windshield; it is hard to see the road ahead.  This lack of clear vision affects me when relating to others, like in marriage or raising children.

Our modern society is dominated with narcissistic and nihilistic ideas, Ken Wilber writes.   In the Oxford English Dictionary, nihilism is defined as “the belief that nothing in the world has a real existence.”  I may assume that we live in a 3 dimensional world made up of atoms.  I may assume that nothing matters, therefore, I may as well do whatever seems to feel good and avoid obvious pain.  So I may cheat to pass the exam or win the election.  I lie to destroy someone’s reputation, because I want to hurt them.

It is ironic that those who neglects their own needs are the most self-centered.  When I have a poor sense of self, I am the most narcissistic.  My neglect of my own needs creates my own obsession with myself.

When I was born, I was self-centered.  I perceived my mother and myself as one; each one of us does.  As I developed, I began to distinguish between my mother and myself.  When I cried, my mother did not always come to hold me and calm me.  I learned that the world and I are separate.

Over the course of my life, I am learning to see myself as different from others.  This learning continues until I die, if I choose to actively participate in the process of learning or not.

In addition to the normal human development of seeing myself as separate and unique, I can be wounded.  I can experience being shamed – treated like I am worthless.  I may feel unworthy of love.  This self-hatred can be an additional block to seeing myself and the world clearly.  The self-hatred can keep me frozen in self-centeredness.

The antidote to narcissism is authentic love of oneself.  The feeling of self-love is healing for us humans.  To consciously experience the sensation of self-love in my body enables me to heal physically as well as emotionally.  Please watch this video from Michelle Minero, M.A., author of “The Self Love Diet: The Only Diet You Will Ever Need,” on learning to love yourself:

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Filed Under: Blog, Consciousness, Spirituality Tagged With: 3 dimensional world, admiration, angry, Atom, authentic love, body, concentration poor, exaggerated, exercise, food, golden rule, grandiose, hungry, ideas, Ken Wilber, lonely, Michelle Minero, Narcissism, needs, neglect, nihilistic, projection, self-centered, self-hatred, self-love, selfishness, shamed, sleep, tired, unworthy, view, worthless

What is a Meme?

December 15, 2015 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

“There are two kinds of people in this world; those that enter a room and turn the television set on, and those that enter a room and turn the television set off,” says the character Raymond Shaw in the movie, “The Manchurian Candidate.”

There are people who wish to sell us things. Advertisers want us to buy cheeseburgers or shampoo. Leaders, like principals and bosses, hope we buy the idea that following all the rules is important and makes us a good student or employee. Politicians want us to believe that voting for them will make life better for ourself, our family, and our community. Effective leaders are good at using special ideas, called memes.

Memes are ideas that infect our minds like a virus. A virus works by entering another person (or a computer) and making copies. Even though a meme acts like a virus in our mind, a meme is not always a bad thing. It depends on what the idea is about. Richard Brodie writes: “a meme is a thought, belief, or attitude in your mind that can be spread to and from other people’s minds.”

A fad like wearing a beard or using Instagram is due to memes. This is a meme: “Instagram is the way to connect online that gets me more friends.” Another meme is: “Men who wear beards attract sex partners.” Do you believe these memes as true? Where do these memes come from?

Before seven years old, we take in the memes of our parents, neighbors, schools, and culture. We are programmed like a computer with these memes. I can believe that “I am intelligent” or “I am stupid.” Either one of these beliefs effects my performance at school or work.

The patterns in our brains evolved over millions of years. If we look at archeological sites, we can see that our environment changed very little over most of the time. Only in the most recent time, our environment started changing so fast that our daily routines changed in a single lifetime. Memes supported our lives for millions of years in a world that changed very slowly.

We live in a world today that is changing very rapidly. Think how much smartphones have changed our lives. I no longer use a telephone book to find contact information. I receive and send text and emails that travel all over the world in an instant. We have a tremendous mismatch between the wiring of our prehistoric brains and the complex opportunities and challenges of modern life.

Advertisers, politicians, and sales people use memes to influence us. We can be programmed like a computer, metaphorically. Our minds are programmed by using repetition. Commercials repeat the same idea over and over. We are also programmed by confusing us with conflicting information. I remember a vacuum salesman at my childhood home. He was talking so fast, explaining about the monthly payments. I just wanted him to leave and stop pressuring my father. Salespeople can talk so fast that you feel trapped. We may feel the only way out of a painful sales pitch is by being rude or is to buy something. Another method of creating a meme is by attaching the idea to food, sex, or danger of some kind. The most powerful memes are linked to sex, food, and danger, such as a way to protect your children.

Too often, sex sells Budweiser or Nacho Cheese Doritos. We are being manipulated by smartphones, television, malls, and cruise ships. The price may be right, but what is the cost. I sit for a timeshare presentation to receive my blanket and my bottle of tequila. I am on vacation for a limited time, but I am spending my time listening to a salesperson talk as fast as he can to manipulate me into buying a timeshare. I feel trapped. People often take the bait and buy the timeshare. Often, this is a poor financial decision.

Life can feel overwhelming. We can make ourselves depressed with our beliefs. Our thoughts have a significant influence over our mood. Our worldview has a big impact on the quality of our life. Please watch this video and learn to think about depression differently:

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Filed Under: Blog, Emotions, Spirituality Tagged With: . Advertisers, actor, archeological sites, bosses, brains, Budweiser, children, commercials, computer, cruise ships, danger, email, employee, evolved, food, Frank Sinatra, ideas, infect, Instagram, iPhones, leaders, malls, mememics, memes, millions of years, minds, movie, Nacho Cheese Doritos, patterns, politicians, prehistoric, principals, program, Richard Brodie, rules, sales people, seven years old, sex, smartphones, student, television, text, The Manchurian Candidate, virus

Symptoms of Depression

December 1, 2015 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

“People need to realize that their thoughts are more primary than their genes, because the environment, which is influenced by our thoughts, control the genes.” Bruce Lipton

Depression is complicated. It is dominated by sadness or low energy. We may lose interest in what was once important to us. These symptoms can have various origins. Depression is overdetermined, meaning there are biological, psychological, social, and spiritual dynamics.

It is possible to see depression when looking at a brain scan. It is clearly a biological phenomenon. Not only our genes play a role, but sleep, food, and exercise also affect depression. We may be predisposed to depression, because our parents or grandparents suffered from depression and carried the genes. Yet research from the science of Epigenetics dramatically changes assumptions about depression.

Epigenetics literally means above the gene. The main idea is that the surface area of a cell determines the health of the cell, not the gene. The gene is merely a blue print for the cell. The signals that the cell receives at the surface area of the cell determines whether a cell thrives. If the cell is in a toxic environment, then the cell will respond defensively. If the cell is in a nourishing environment, the cell will grow and thrive. The signals that the surface area of the cell receives are thoughts, feelings, food, and drink.

Dr. Richard Davidson says that “there is no more effective way to produce localized and specific changes in the brain than behavioral or mental interventions. Behavioral or mental interventions can produce more specific biological changes than any currently known biological method that is known – medication for example.” Taking medication effects the entire body, not just the small areas of the brain related to depression. We are given a long list of side effects, when the pharmacist hands us medication for depression.

Our thoughts, feelings, and behavior affect our depression. If I am self-critical in a destructive way, this can magnify depression. It is important to change our thoughts. Sixty-five percent of our thoughts are redundant and negative. We need to change our thinking at the subconscious level to move toward health and freedom – full remission of depression.

With depression, one is avoiding emotions that seem overwhelming or is simply unaware exist. Learning to regulate our emotions and affect enables us to feel safe expressing our emotions in a healthy way. Resolving trauma can make a big difference, enabling us to feel peaceful and energized.

Our relationships can also effect depression. Depressed people can isolate themselves and then are deprived of the energy that comes from human interaction. Our beliefs and our values can lead us to be depressed. Please watch this video on symptoms that can be related to depression:

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Filed Under: Blog, Emotions, Uncategorized Tagged With: behavioral interventions, biological changes, Bruce Lipton, cell, depression, drink, energy, environment, Epigenetics, feelings, food, genes, interest diminished, interventions, medication, mental, nourishing, over-determined, pharmacist, psychological, redundant and negative, Richard Davidson, sadness, self-critical, side effects, signals, social, spiritual, subconscious thinking, surface area, symptoms, symptoms of depression, thoughts, toxic environment

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About Daniel Davis, LMFT

I create an environment where clients experience their unique significance, authentic empowerment, and profound acceptance and collaborate with clients to identify solutions to their current crises. For more information on how I can help you, contact me today by calling 408-249-0014 or emailing info@danieldavislmft.com. I look forward to speaking with you! Read More…

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Daniel Davis, M.A., LMFT
Counselor in Santa Clara, CA
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