Daniel Davis, LMFT

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Coping with Grief and Loss

May 22, 2018 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

Endings are difficult.  Divorce, death, and moving to another home seem particularly challenging, when I read research.  These research studies use statistics and can sort what events tend to cause people to feel stress.

Individuals are not numbers.  What distresses one person can delight another.  Bob says divorce is terrible.  Jasmine insists divorce is the most incredible event of her life.

Yet again, transitions require us to adjust.  It takes some energy to adapt to our new circumstances.  Our perception of the change can have a great impact on how we adjust to our new conditions.

Muhammad is devastated, because his wife left.  Hafiz was ecstatic, after he left home.

Whether we perceive these events as good or bad, adjustments are required.  It is wise to take extra care of ourselves as we go through the passage of change.  This doorway can surprise us in its intensity.

Please watch this video by Janet Childs, from the Center for Living with Dying, about coping with loss and grief:

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Filed Under: Blog, Grief and Loss Tagged With: Centre for Living with Dying, change, Coping, death, divorce, endings, grief, Janet Childs, loss, moving, new home, perception, transitions

Talking to Kids about Death

May 9, 2018 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

Children are precious. They are our greatest resource – our future. How we treat them shapes our future. How we talk to children influences who they become.

When we talk to children about death, we carry great weight with our words. They form their beliefs about death through their experiences and our conversations with them.

Take care to attend to their needs. They will be influenced greatly by your willingness to suffer for their betterment.

Please watch this video by Janet Childs, co-founder of the Centre for Living with Dying, about talking with children about death:

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Filed Under: Blog, Marriage and Family, Videos Tagged With: beliefs, Centre for Living with Dying, children, conversations, death, experiences, Janet Childs, words

Do You See What I See?

February 7, 2017 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

We assume we are so evolved in our modern world. We have amazing technology – iPhones, Tesla cars, Japanese trains that speed at 374 miles per hour. Yet as humans, we remain fragile. We are vulnerable to over-reaction and self-deception. “When I fall in love, it will be forever. And I’ll never fall in love again,” sings Nat King Cole.

Falling in love can feel like having my feet swept out from under me. I may see my beloved as flawless. All I want to talk about are the astonishing qualities of my beloved. As I talk about my beloved, I feel high – like I am on cocaine. Such is the power of projection.

Our self-deception can enable us to take on worthy challenges, like education, marriage, or parenting. Yet our ambitious decisions can also lead to chaos, disease, and even death.

We may believe in modern life that we are free of the superstitions of our ancestors, yet this 2 million year old archaic mind is present in each of us. It will operate unconsciously in our lives. If we fail to honor our archaic mind, the cost is very high. Yet if we do integrate the wisdom of our unconscious mind, our lives are enriched beyond measure.

Please watch this video by Manuel Costa on projection:

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Filed Under: Blog, Projection Tagged With: 2 million year old, 300 miles per hour, A Path to Life’s Fullness: A New Perspective on the Teachings of Jesus, ambitious, ancestors, archaic mind, cars, chaos, cocaine, death, decisions, disease, education, evolved, Falling in love, iPhones, Manuel Costa, marriage, modern world, Nat King Cole, objectivity, parenting, projection, self-deception, song, superstitions, technology, Tesla, trains, unconscious mind, When I fall in love

The Self

January 10, 2017 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

“It is not the end of the world,” my dad would say. Often, the crises we perceive as so ominous are not the end of our life as we know it. Sometimes an event, such as disease, divorce, or death can deliver a blow so severe that our life changes. Life can then seem meaningless.

Yet amidst this devastation, we may find something of value. Carl Jung said, “There is nothing so bad that some good can’t come of it.”

That which breaks our hearts, makes it larger. In this breaking, we may find a mysterious wholeness or – in other words – The Self.

The Self is the whole or total personality. A whole personality embraces the unconscious part of our mind which includes our spiritual center. A connection between our self awareness (also called “ego”) and this spiritual (psychic) center is of vital importance for our health and well-being, asserts John Sanford.

Please watch this video by Manuel Costa about the Self and living with a sense of purpose:

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Filed Under: Balancing Your Brain, Becoming Aware (Consciousness), Whole Brain State Tagged With: Carl Jung, death, devastation, disease, divorce, ego, Event, John Sanford, Manuel Costa, psychic center, Self, self-awareness, spiritual center, the Self, total personality, tragedy, value, whole personality

The Journey From Depression and Isolation to Resilience and Optimism

December 8, 2015 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

One of the most difficult experiences of my life has been depression. I can remember being depressed back when I was 13 years old. When I was in the 8th grade, I remember walking around the grass field at Roger’s Junior High in West San Jose, California, USA. It was a very painful time. My whole body felt heavy, hard to move. I felt tired. My head was light, and I was confused. My eyes were blurry. I hurt all over.

Later, I would again suffer from depression, and I have learned much about depression over the years. When I feel any depressed feelings now, I am highly motivated to feel better as soon as possible. I really hate depression. I do whatever it takes to feel better. Some people describe depression as being numb. Dr. David Hawkins writes that if we live long enough, most of us experience depression at some time in our life. It could be minor, as in regret, or major, as in mourning a death or losing something considered valuable.

Depression is a disorder of mood and bonding. It is a disorder related to our current relationships. One can withdraw socially at any stage of life due to poor bonding with parents as a child and poor social skills. If we have a marriage or another intimate relationship with poor communication and bonding, we can experience depression. Living in a family that is highly dysfunctional with violence or substance abuse can contribute to depression. Working in a job that is a poor fit in terms of interests, personality, or values can contribute to depression. Dealing with additional life stressors can trigger a depressive episode, like divorce, death, financial losses, and health problems.

In Los Gatos, California, psychiatrist and Stanford University medical school professor, Saad A. Shakir, MD, sees patients at his clinic. He said that depression is one of the chief reasons that people go to see a mental health professional, such as a psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, or a counselor. Clients make it into therapy often long after the depression began. Over time, depression progresses into a phase that makes it much more difficult to ignore, because the depressive symptoms are affecting one’s marriage or work.

With treatment, often a person’s mood elevates and they feel some relief. But patients are often discharged from counseling without achieving sustained relief from the symptoms of low energy, sadness, troubled sleep, disrupted eating, poor concentration, and feelings of worthlessness consistently and for a long time, called Sustainable Remission from depression.

Dr. Shakir states that few patients receive adequate treatment for depression. Inadequately treated depression may get worse over time and may be associated with negative changes in the physical brain and how the brain works. Fortunately, the mind can change the brain. The brain has neuroplasticity. Our thoughts and feelings change our physical brain.

The Work Health Organization and the Canadian Network for Mood and Anxiety Treatment assert that it is important for mental health professionals to competently assess and treat depressive and anxiety disorders to full remission. In the Australian and New Zealand clinical guidelines it states that “the aim of treatment is to achieve and maintain remission.”

It is possible to experience vitality after having experienced depression. Recovery from depression is important in our health, relationships, and career. If one is willing to do the healthy work of depression much is possible. Please watch this video on being proactive in recovery from depressive symptoms:

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Filed Under: Blog, Emotions, Uncategorized Tagged With: Alcoholism, Anxiety Treatment, Australian, bonding, Canadian Network, clinical guidelines, David Hawkins, death, depression, disorder, divorce, domestic violence, drug addiction, family highly dysfunctional, financial losses, health, marriage, Mood, neuroplasticity, New Zealand, numb, problems, relationships, Saad A. Shakir, sexual violence, socially, stressors, substance abuse, Sustainable Remission, sustained remission of depression, Trauma, treatment, unemployment, WHO, withdraw, World Health Organization

How Do I Deal With Loss?

November 24, 2015 By Daniel Davis, LMFT 2 Comments

In 1981, my father asked me to meet him at Baskin Robbins ice cream store, near my mom’s apartment where I lived. He bought me ice cream, probably a Banana Royale with Pistachio ice cream, hot fudge, and bananas and whip cream. As I ate my ice cream, my dad told me he had cancer. I was on 18 years old and did not expect such adult news. A few days later, I was playing football with friends. I began talking with my friend Chris about traveling to Los Angeles to see the preseason Monday Night Football game between New England Patriots and Los Angeles Rams. By 7:00pm, we were at the airport and waiting for our airplane. We checked into the Newporter, a resort, in Orange County. I let my sadness carry me all the way to Southern California. I remembered in the middle of the trip that my father was having exploratory surgery. I called home and heard he was ok.

When the doctors at Kaiser Permanente Hospital surgically opened up my father’s body, they could see that cancer was riddled throughout his lymphatic system. His doctors simply closed up the incision and told my father that had six months to live. I cherish the time I had to spend with him until his death on June 10, 1984.

I had four people close to me die from April 1984 until August 1985. My response to all of these tragedies was to avoid my sadness. Later in my life, I had to learn to do the work of grief. Sadness has an important function in the grieving process. Grief turns us inward. We can lose energy, poor concentration, experience sleep changes, lose motivation and experience changes in our appetite.

Grief not only has to do with death, but also with the ending of relationships of all kinds, including marriages. Daniel Goleman writes, “The main purpose for sadness is to help adjust to a significant loss, such as the death of someone close or a major disappointment. Sadness brings a drop in energy and enthusiasm for life’s activities, particular diversions and pleasures, and, as it deepens and approaches depression, slows the body’s metabolism. This loss of energy may well have kept saddened – and vulnerable – early humans close to home, where they were safer.”

Whenever you love someone and you are no longer able to spend time with them, you naturally feel pain. Yet there is a difference between the pain as a result of loss and the suffering as a result of false beliefs and avoidance. David Kessler said, “One of the biggest problems is that you might try to push aside or ignore your feelings. You judge them as too little or too much. You carry a lot of bottled up emotions, and anger is often one that is suppressed. In order for it to heal, however, it must be released. We’re not speaking only about anger associated with death, but about anytime we feel anger. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the renowned grief expert who identified the Five Stages of Grief, said we could feel anger, let it pass through us, and be done with it in a few minutes. She went on to say that any anger we feel over 15 minutes is old anger.”

What is the journey to healthy grief and eventually to resolution? I have learned to lean into the sadness as well as other emotions. By acknowledging and consciously experiencing the sadness, we can let go. Our loses need to be integrated psychologically. Grief enables us to update our consciousness with reality. The current loss reveals other losses – not integrated – that lie beneath. Grieving can take time. Eventually, we can remember the wonderful parts of the past and not experience the pain. Janet Childs who works for the Centre for Living with Dying, in Santa Clara, California, USA, said “grieving is like the ocean tides. The grief can come and go. Some days can be harder than others.”

We all experience grief differently. When I am grieving, it really helps to let myself be. I like to pay attention to my body and follow my inclinations. When I am able to minimize my obligations, I am free to follow my inclinations. As long as it is not self-destructive, I indulge myself. If I am tired, I sleep. If I am hungry, I eat. If I just stare off into space, it is ok.

Having empathic and accepting people to listen are invaluable. It helps to have a few good listeners – too not overburden any one person.

During a loss, We may discover that our thoughts are negative. When we break up a relationship, we may think “I will always be alone.” “Why do bad things always happen to me?”

Sadness can be subtle. It is very important and its power as well as the power of all other emotions should not be underestimated. Daniel Goleman writes that sadness is “grief, sorrow, cheerlessness, gloom, melancholy, self-pity, loneliness, dejection, despair, and when pathological, severe depression.” Please watch this video by Janet Childs on grief and loss:

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Filed Under: Blog, Emotions, Mindfulness Tagged With: appetite changes, Baskin Robbins, cancer, Centre for Living with Dying, concentration poor, Daniel Goleman, David Kessler, death, definition and purpose, doctors, drawing for healing, energy, father, grief, grief and loss, Hospital, ice cream, Janet Childs, Judith Peterson, Kaiser Permanente, lose, lymphatic system, Monday Night Football, motivation poor, sadness, sleep changes, tragedies

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About Daniel Davis, LMFT

I create an environment where clients experience their unique significance, authentic empowerment, and profound acceptance and collaborate with clients to identify solutions to their current crises. For more information on how I can help you, contact me today by calling 408-249-0014 or emailing info@danieldavislmft.com. I look forward to speaking with you! Read More…

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Daniel Davis, M.A., LMFT
Counselor in Santa Clara, CA
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