Daniel Davis, LMFT

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The Journey From Depression and Isolation to Resilience and Optimism

December 8, 2015 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

One of the most difficult experiences of my life has been depression. I can remember being depressed back when I was 13 years old. When I was in the 8th grade, I remember walking around the grass field at Roger’s Junior High in West San Jose, California, USA. It was a very painful time. My whole body felt heavy, hard to move. I felt tired. My head was light, and I was confused. My eyes were blurry. I hurt all over.

Later, I would again suffer from depression, and I have learned much about depression over the years. When I feel any depressed feelings now, I am highly motivated to feel better as soon as possible. I really hate depression. I do whatever it takes to feel better. Some people describe depression as being numb. Dr. David Hawkins writes that if we live long enough, most of us experience depression at some time in our life. It could be minor, as in regret, or major, as in mourning a death or losing something considered valuable.

Depression is a disorder of mood and bonding. It is a disorder related to our current relationships. One can withdraw socially at any stage of life due to poor bonding with parents as a child and poor social skills. If we have a marriage or another intimate relationship with poor communication and bonding, we can experience depression. Living in a family that is highly dysfunctional with violence or substance abuse can contribute to depression. Working in a job that is a poor fit in terms of interests, personality, or values can contribute to depression. Dealing with additional life stressors can trigger a depressive episode, like divorce, death, financial losses, and health problems.

In Los Gatos, California, psychiatrist and Stanford University medical school professor, Saad A. Shakir, MD, sees patients at his clinic. He said that depression is one of the chief reasons that people go to see a mental health professional, such as a psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, or a counselor. Clients make it into therapy often long after the depression began. Over time, depression progresses into a phase that makes it much more difficult to ignore, because the depressive symptoms are affecting one’s marriage or work.

With treatment, often a person’s mood elevates and they feel some relief. But patients are often discharged from counseling without achieving sustained relief from the symptoms of low energy, sadness, troubled sleep, disrupted eating, poor concentration, and feelings of worthlessness consistently and for a long time, called Sustainable Remission from depression.

Dr. Shakir states that few patients receive adequate treatment for depression. Inadequately treated depression may get worse over time and may be associated with negative changes in the physical brain and how the brain works. Fortunately, the mind can change the brain. The brain has neuroplasticity. Our thoughts and feelings change our physical brain.

The Work Health Organization and the Canadian Network for Mood and Anxiety Treatment assert that it is important for mental health professionals to competently assess and treat depressive and anxiety disorders to full remission. In the Australian and New Zealand clinical guidelines it states that “the aim of treatment is to achieve and maintain remission.”

It is possible to experience vitality after having experienced depression. Recovery from depression is important in our health, relationships, and career. If one is willing to do the healthy work of depression much is possible. Please watch this video on being proactive in recovery from depressive symptoms:

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World Health Organization (WHO)

Filed Under: Blog, Emotions, Uncategorized Tagged With: Alcoholism, Anxiety Treatment, Australian, bonding, Canadian Network, clinical guidelines, David Hawkins, death, depression, disorder, divorce, domestic violence, drug addiction, family highly dysfunctional, financial losses, health, marriage, Mood, neuroplasticity, New Zealand, numb, problems, relationships, Saad A. Shakir, sexual violence, socially, stressors, substance abuse, Sustainable Remission, sustained remission of depression, Trauma, treatment, unemployment, WHO, withdraw, World Health Organization

What Are The Benefits of Falling in Love?

November 17, 2015 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

“Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.

There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done.
Nothing you can sing that can’t be sung.
Nothing you can say, but you can learn
How to play the game
It’s easy.
Nothing you can make that can’t be made.
No one you can save that can’t be saved.
Nothing you can do, but you can learn
How to be you in time
It’s easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love. Love is all you need.
Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love. Love is all you need.

There’s nothing you can know that isn’t known.
Nothing you can see that isn’t shown.
There’s nowhere you can be that isn’t where
You’re meant to be
It’s easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love. Love is all you need.
All you need is love. (All together now).
All you need is love. (Everybody).
All you need is love, love. Love is all you need.
Love is all you need.
Love is all you need

(Yesterday)
(Oh yeah)
(She love you, yeah, yeah, yeah)
(She love you, yeah, yeah, yeah)
(Oh, yesterday)”

“All You Need is Love”
Written by John Lennon and Paul McCartney
Performed by the Beatles

Falling in love is something that seems larger than normal human life, if we believe what we see in films, hear in love songs, and read in books. I think that authentic love is different from infatuation. We see images of intense emotions, newness, physical attraction, and erotic passion. Yet what begins as such a beautiful vision can turn into possessiveness, control, and addiction.

There are several types of emotions motivating us to fall in love and develop a relationship. We experience desire which not only draws us toward romantic love, but also leads us to possibly form a relationship with our beloved and even mature as an individual. Excitement and joy are also emotions that we experience when we fall in love. Some people have never fallen in love, probably because their desire, joy, and/or excitement are blocked in some way. It is possible to resolve these blocks and experience falling in love for the first time.

The energy of falling in love serves another purpose. When we fall in love with someone, we are attracted to aspects of our beloved. “When we awaken to a new possibility in our lives, we first see it in another person,” writes Robert Johnson. “We project our developing potential onto someone, and suddenly we’re consumed with him or her.” These possibilities are the unlived potential in our own life.

If we fail to become conscious of our potential emerging and develop these qualities in ourselves, problems arise in our intimate relationships. As we progress in the relationship, we often demand that our beloved fills in our missing pieces. We have an opportunity to grow in awareness in personal power, but we may fail to do so. We do not see our beloved objectively, but only as a reflection of our own undeveloped potential. For example, I may demand that my beloved is kind to me, when I really need to learn to be kind to myself.

Ninety-five percent of our thinking is subconscious. We acquire our subconscious patterns from our experience during pregnancy inside our mother’s womb and then during first seven years of life. If we act out our subconscious programming, then too often we inflict upon our beloved the very things we find so intolerable.

Yet there is another kind of love other than infatuation. “Love is misunderstood to be an emotion; actually it is a state of awareness, a way of being in the world, a way of seeing oneself and others,” writes David Hawkins.

This kind of love has been written about for centuries. The Greek word “agape” means a sense of love as unconditional goodwill. An old Hebrew word “ahabah” means to kindle a fire from something easily set ablaze, like withered leaves or dry sticks. The word can also mean, paradoxically, to grow or produce something slowly from an enclosure or from a secret place.
We can see that falling in love is a spark from which secret treasures may emerge. This treasure requires the work of love – to bring about a greater love over time.

If I learn some simple skills, then it is possible to change the way I love others. When I learn to balance my brain, I can see reality more clearly. This enables me to see my beloved more accurately. When I learn to calm my emotions, I do not need my beloved like a drug. I am not dependent on my romantic partner. I am free to love and live with wisdom.

One of the benefits of love is that the feelings associated with falling in love release chemicals in our bodies that help us be healthier, compassionate, and creative. Love is mysterious and rich in possibility.

David Hawkins writes: “Love is unconditional, unchanging, and permanent. It does not fluctuate because its source within the person is not dependent on external conditions. Love is a state of being. It is a way of relating to the world that is forgiving, nurturing, and supportive. Love is not intellectual and does not proceed from the mind. Love emanates from the heart. It has the capacity to love others and accomplish great feats because of its purity of motive. . . . As reason is bypassed, there arises the capacity for instantaneous recognition of context, especially regarding time and process. . . . Love focuses on the goodness of life in all its expressions and augments that which is positive. It dissolves negativity by recontextualing it rather than by attacking it. This is the level of true happiness.”

Please watch this video by Judith Peterson as she discusses the experience of falling in love:

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Judith Peterson
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Greek
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“What Are The Benefits of Falling in Love?”

 

Filed Under: Blog, Marriage and Intimacy, Projection Tagged With: agape, ahabah, All You Need is Love, authentic love, Beatles, David Hawkins, definition, Falling in love, Greek, infatuation, John Lennon, Judith Peterson, love, love as a state of awareness, Old Hebrew, Paul McCartney, positive projection, Robert A Johnson, song, unlived potential

How Would the World Be Different if Everyone Around You Was Calm and Peaceful?

July 28, 2015 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

“Anger is an emotion of enormous power. Surveys show that more people find it the hardest of all emotions to master,” writes Dr. Roger Walsh.

I see the impact of anger every day not only at work as a marriage and family counselor, but also driving on the roads, shopping in stores, and waiting in line at Starbucks for tea. On a warm July day, I sit in my white 1993 Lincoln Towne Car at a stop light with the driver’s window down. I woman stops next to me and begins to lecture me in a rageful voice. I have no idea about what she is talking. On rainy, cold December evening, walking around a grocery store, I see all the exhausted and sad faces. Some of us turn our anger in toward our self with criticism and self-punishment.

When we feel fear we sense danger nearby. When we feel anger someone is invading our space. Someone may break into our house. They may also interrupt us in the middle of our sentence. We feel they are intruding in our psychological territory. Most of the anger we experience personally or see in others is resentment. Everyone’s experience of anger is unique to them. Often, we feel hot in the face and tension in the muscles of our arms and hands.

Yet we also can see the hatred of discrimination because of race, grievances against unjust bureaucrats, grudges against ex-husbands, as well as murder and war. “When the cat gets angry, its tail swells up to almost twice its normal size, and the cat tries to look imposing. The biological purpose of expansion is to intimidate one’s apparent enemy,” writes David Hawkins. We often can spot anger when someone is inflated, meaning they are behaving as if they were a god. When we are struggling with our appropriate human limitations, anger is a problem for us. We try to force or manipulate people, things, or events.

There are also physical reasons that people experience unhealthy anger and rage. Seventy percent of people who assault others or damage property have problems with their physical brain, specifically the left temporal lobe. When we experience anger frequently, it affects the health of our body. When we live an angry lifestyle, the chemicals that anger releases into the body can lead to heart disease or cancer.

Yet not all anger is bad. Anger has its place in our lives. It is healthy to feel angry when we experience oppression as someone interferes with our ability to choose and express our thoughts. Anger can motivate us to leave a relationship where we are slapped or punched. Anger may also lead us to quit a job where we are asked to so things we believe are wrong, because it violates our cherishes values.

What do I do when I am angry? I cannot sleep because I am so angry. I cannot listen to my children, because I feel so angry. I react at my friends and family who love me, because I feel so angry. What will help me?

The place that I think it is best to begin is with myself. Before I complain to the person with who I am angry, I need to look inside at the source of my anger. There is the 2% rule. He may be 98% wrong, but what is my part. How am I responsible for my anger? The deeper I examine my responsibility, the more I may realize that I play a significant role. For example, I look at my boss who it demanding and critical. He always asks the impossible of me.

It is often beneficial to examine my own role in my anger, before I confront another about a grievance. When the anger is out of proportion with the event that triggers the anger, I have work to do. I examine my projections around anger. (Look for my blog and video on projection for a more detail explanation of what it is.)

I would generally prefer to be civil. Being in a whole brain state seems to enable me to be civil and emotionally congruent. Learning to get into a whole brain state is another key aspect of managing my anger and self-regulating my emotions generally. (Look for my blog and video on “EMDR Self-Help – The Butterfly Hug” for more information on how to achieve a Whole Brain State.) What a difference if the world were full of calm people. Image this! Please consider watching this video on anger and calming yourself down.

 

Filed Under: Anger Management, Blog Tagged With: anger, David Hawkins, inflation, Roger Walsh, self soothing

Do You Know Someone Who Cannot Stop Looking at Videos or Pictures of Sex?

June 16, 2015 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

When does sex become an addiction?  Has sex ceased to be fun?

The internet is now the leading source of pornographic materials worldwide.  It provides unprecedented anonymous virtually unlimited access to inexpensive or cost free sexually explicit text, still and moving images, and audio.  More than half of all spending on the internet is related to sexual activity.  Fourteen percent of searches on the internet worldwide and four percent of websites are devoted to sex.

Addiction is when someone is unable to stop doing something that is bad for them.  The addict does not see all the bad things that are happening, because he is taking this action.  The key factor is that the sexual addict is unable to control or stop the sexual behavior even though there are negative results that continue to get worse.  The behavior may include compulsive masturbation, compulsive use of pornography, anonymous or public sexual encounters, and cybersex or phone sex.

Orgasm is the last thing an addict wants.  He creates a bubble of fantasy.  Sex addicts are addicted to drugs inside their own bodies: dopamine, serotonin, and adrenaline.  These neurochemicals suppress anxiety, anger, resentment, and shame.  “Rarely does the average person get to experience, for example, love without fear, or pure joy much less ecstasy.  But these higher states are so powerful that once experienced, they are never forgotten and are sought ever after,” writes psychiatrist, David Hawkins.

The bubble of sexual fantasy allows him to maintain a false set of beliefs about his own power.  Addiction is like a greedy little god inside you, writes Robert Moore.  Your ego is so inflated that you act as if you think you are God.  Grandiosity tends to destroy you if you do not look at it honestly and accept that you have needs and limits.

Addiction is at its core a thought disorder.  The underlying belief of the addict is – “I am a damaged and worthless person.”  The addicts also believes if others really knew who he is, they will not love him.  He does not trust that others can be trusted to help take care of his needs.  The sex addict also believes that sex is his most important need.

Sexual addiction, like all addictions, is biological, psychological, social, and spiritual disease.   One can see the differences when looking at the scan of a brain of a sex addict.  A sex addict frequently experiences with physical, emotional, and sexual abuse during his childhood.  After he grows up, the sex addict often has relationships with other addicts or someone who reduces the consequences of his unhealthy sexual behavior – a co-addict.  His wife and children are affected by his addiction; addiction is a family disease.

Healing is possible from sexual addiction.  Mary O’Malley writes in The Gift of Our Compulsions that “compulsions are our guides back into (being grounded in our body that connects us to wisdom, our heart, and our life.)  This is the connection we knew so well when we were young (as a child); it has been waiting for us to grow up enough so we can know and live it again on an even deeper level.”

Bill Wilson said something similar about addiction –  there is no full recovery from addiction, until we have actually achieved emotional sobriety.  Healing our sexuality begins with accepting the reality of our sexual urges.  Our healing continues as we see sex as a way to spontaneously and playfully build connection and belonging with another.  In this video, Manuel Costa, MFT, author of “A Path to Life’s Fullness: A New Perspective on the Teachings of Jesus,” discusses sexual addiction, perhaps, the most shamed addiction of all.

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Manuel Costa, sex addiction
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“Do You Know Someone Who Cannot Stop Looking at Videos or Pictures of Sex?”

Filed Under: Blog, Recovery Tagged With: Bill Wilson, David Hawkins, Manuel Costa, Mary O’Malley, pornography, Robert Moore, sex addiction

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About Daniel Davis, LMFT

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Daniel Davis, M.A., LMFT
Counselor in Santa Clara, CA
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