Daniel Davis, LMFT

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Anima and Animus

April 12, 2016 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

Have you ever been carried away with a mood? We can be swept away with our emotions and thoughts. A mood can come over us, and we may look back and think, “I just wasn’t myself today.”

One way to think about these emotional storms is that there is a psychological benefit to these reactions. Carl Jung identified the animus and anima as parts of ourselves that erupt and interfere with our relationships and work. A woman has an animus, and a man has an anima. June Singer writes that “anima and animus are those unconscious part of ourselves that carry the mystery of sex which is not ours.”

How we identify with our masculine gender role or feminine gender role can vary greatly from one culture to another. It is obvious that there are – in fact – differences between men and woman. Whether these differences are more psychological or physical is debatable as well as complex. Yet it is obvious that men and women are different.

These differences show up in our dreams and fantasies. The anima shows up in a man’s dreams as an image of a woman, whereas the animus shows up in a woman as an image of a man. This is because the anima and animus are related to what is the opposite of our conscious attitude. When we mature, we develop the opposite attitude to what we cling to in our youth. “Men have dared to discover their vulnerability and their feeling side, while women – more confident now of their strengths – are beginning to take risks which would have frightened them before,” writes June Singer.

Animus is defined as a “usually prejudiced and often spiteful or malevolent ill will” or a “strong feeling of dislike or hatred.” Aminus is the masculine form of the word soul in latin. Yet the animus is not as much masculinity repressed as it is the unconscious other that a woman is prevented from being in her daily life. The part of herself that is furthest from her waking life is what makes up a woman’s animus.

Carl Jung describes the animus as a strange passivity. “In the depths of the woman’s being, the animus whispers: ‘You are hopeless. What’s the use of trying? There is no point in doing anything. Life will never change for the better.’”

When a woman is able to separate herself from her animus, she is able to see that part of herself objectively. She is able to be detached and just notice these negative thoughts and feelings. She does not fall into the false belief that these thoughts are her thoughts. When she simply observes these thoughts and realizes that her response to them makes all the difference, she is able to main a healthy detachment.

A woman’s animus assists her in becoming a complete person by shifting repressed energy into active and creative pursuits. The animus does have negative qualities such as “brutality, recklessness, empty talk, and silent, obstinate evil ideas.” Yet the animus also has a positive and valuable side. The animus can “build a bridge to the Self through creative activity.”

For a man, the anima, represents his unconscious feminine other. The anima symbolically represents the eternal feminine. For a woman, the animus represents her unconscious masculine. Conversely, the animus stands for the eternal masculine. Robert Johnson writes that the “anima and the animus function most effectively for us as mediators between the conscious and unconscious parts of personality.”

When one learns to work with the animus or anima, one discovers a certain kind of genius within oneself. Please watch is short video by Judith Peterson on the animus and learn how to work with this energy to improve how you feel, behave, and feel:

Blog 51

Filed Under: Blog, Marriage and Intimacy, Projection, Sacred Image, Spirituality Tagged With: Anima, Animus, brutality, Carl Jung, empty, feelings, feminine, gender, Judith Peterson, June Singer, masculine, Mood, negative, negative thoughts, recklessness, role, silent, talk

What Are The Benefits of Falling in Love?

November 17, 2015 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

“Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.

There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done.
Nothing you can sing that can’t be sung.
Nothing you can say, but you can learn
How to play the game
It’s easy.
Nothing you can make that can’t be made.
No one you can save that can’t be saved.
Nothing you can do, but you can learn
How to be you in time
It’s easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love. Love is all you need.
Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love. Love is all you need.

There’s nothing you can know that isn’t known.
Nothing you can see that isn’t shown.
There’s nowhere you can be that isn’t where
You’re meant to be
It’s easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love. Love is all you need.
All you need is love. (All together now).
All you need is love. (Everybody).
All you need is love, love. Love is all you need.
Love is all you need.
Love is all you need

(Yesterday)
(Oh yeah)
(She love you, yeah, yeah, yeah)
(She love you, yeah, yeah, yeah)
(Oh, yesterday)”

“All You Need is Love”
Written by John Lennon and Paul McCartney
Performed by the Beatles

Falling in love is something that seems larger than normal human life, if we believe what we see in films, hear in love songs, and read in books. I think that authentic love is different from infatuation. We see images of intense emotions, newness, physical attraction, and erotic passion. Yet what begins as such a beautiful vision can turn into possessiveness, control, and addiction.

There are several types of emotions motivating us to fall in love and develop a relationship. We experience desire which not only draws us toward romantic love, but also leads us to possibly form a relationship with our beloved and even mature as an individual. Excitement and joy are also emotions that we experience when we fall in love. Some people have never fallen in love, probably because their desire, joy, and/or excitement are blocked in some way. It is possible to resolve these blocks and experience falling in love for the first time.

The energy of falling in love serves another purpose. When we fall in love with someone, we are attracted to aspects of our beloved. “When we awaken to a new possibility in our lives, we first see it in another person,” writes Robert Johnson. “We project our developing potential onto someone, and suddenly we’re consumed with him or her.” These possibilities are the unlived potential in our own life.

If we fail to become conscious of our potential emerging and develop these qualities in ourselves, problems arise in our intimate relationships. As we progress in the relationship, we often demand that our beloved fills in our missing pieces. We have an opportunity to grow in awareness in personal power, but we may fail to do so. We do not see our beloved objectively, but only as a reflection of our own undeveloped potential. For example, I may demand that my beloved is kind to me, when I really need to learn to be kind to myself.

Ninety-five percent of our thinking is subconscious. We acquire our subconscious patterns from our experience during pregnancy inside our mother’s womb and then during first seven years of life. If we act out our subconscious programming, then too often we inflict upon our beloved the very things we find so intolerable.

Yet there is another kind of love other than infatuation. “Love is misunderstood to be an emotion; actually it is a state of awareness, a way of being in the world, a way of seeing oneself and others,” writes David Hawkins.

This kind of love has been written about for centuries. The Greek word “agape” means a sense of love as unconditional goodwill. An old Hebrew word “ahabah” means to kindle a fire from something easily set ablaze, like withered leaves or dry sticks. The word can also mean, paradoxically, to grow or produce something slowly from an enclosure or from a secret place.
We can see that falling in love is a spark from which secret treasures may emerge. This treasure requires the work of love – to bring about a greater love over time.

If I learn some simple skills, then it is possible to change the way I love others. When I learn to balance my brain, I can see reality more clearly. This enables me to see my beloved more accurately. When I learn to calm my emotions, I do not need my beloved like a drug. I am not dependent on my romantic partner. I am free to love and live with wisdom.

One of the benefits of love is that the feelings associated with falling in love release chemicals in our bodies that help us be healthier, compassionate, and creative. Love is mysterious and rich in possibility.

David Hawkins writes: “Love is unconditional, unchanging, and permanent. It does not fluctuate because its source within the person is not dependent on external conditions. Love is a state of being. It is a way of relating to the world that is forgiving, nurturing, and supportive. Love is not intellectual and does not proceed from the mind. Love emanates from the heart. It has the capacity to love others and accomplish great feats because of its purity of motive. . . . As reason is bypassed, there arises the capacity for instantaneous recognition of context, especially regarding time and process. . . . Love focuses on the goodness of life in all its expressions and augments that which is positive. It dissolves negativity by recontextualing it rather than by attacking it. This is the level of true happiness.”

Please watch this video by Judith Peterson as she discusses the experience of falling in love:

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“What Are The Benefits of Falling in Love?”

 

Filed Under: Blog, Marriage and Intimacy, Projection Tagged With: agape, ahabah, All You Need is Love, authentic love, Beatles, David Hawkins, definition, Falling in love, Greek, infatuation, John Lennon, Judith Peterson, love, love as a state of awareness, Old Hebrew, Paul McCartney, positive projection, Robert A Johnson, song, unlived potential

Social Media and Problems in Marriage and Family

September 21, 2015 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

Filed Under: Marriage and Intimacy

Marriage and Intimacy (Conscious Love)

September 21, 2015 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

Filed Under: Marriage and Intimacy

Are You Deeply Connected to Your Beloved?

July 21, 2015 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

Jung wrote that a conscious marriage is the hardest thing on earth for humans to achieve. David Schnarch writes that often, we are not separate enough in our marriages. Each partner relies too much on the other partner to live. They are tied together in dependency. It is like being Siamese Twins emotionally. Eventually, one partner feels emotionally smothered by the other. I may not even realize that I feel smothered, but I may pick a verbal fight – an argument. Soon, I may be in a conflict with my Beloved. We react emotionally to each other.

One person wants the window open, and the other wants it closed. Each may have very good reasons for their demands. Each partner desires something different. At some point, our relationship will challenge us to our very limits. One partner, in tears, shouts, “I cannot take it anymore.”

In order to overcome our limits as an individual, we must grow personally. A healthy intimate relationship allows you to be you and me to be me. I need to see how I am different than you. My needs are different than yours at times. I need to meet my needs honestly and directly; you need to meet your needs with honesty and directness as well. It is natural to experience emotions such as fear and anger as a result of our conflicting needs and wants.

Yet we are also joined in an intimate bond. You and I need to stay aware that we are connected to each other. We are also connected to our families, friends, co-workers, and the world as a whole. You and I need to balance independence as well as connection on all these levels. Life will have its challenges: sickness, failing a test, job loss, and death. Yet as human beings we a born with tremendous strength and resilience. As we develop as individuals, our emotions, minds, and relationships support our process of growth. I can either cooperate with my process of growth or ignore it.
In the movie, Jerry Maguire, Jerry had trouble sleeping. His conscience led him to write a 25 page mission statement for his organization, titled “The Things We Think and Do Not Say.”

It is difficult to navigate the modern corporation as well as modern relationships and families. Later in the film, Jerry Maguire, says to his wife: “Our little company had a very big night. . . But it wasn’t complete, wasn’t nearly complete, because I couldn’t share it with you. I couldn’t hear your voice or laugh. I miss you – I miss my wife. . . . We live in a cynical world, a cynical world, and we work in a business of tough competitors.”

David Goff notes that the rates of divorce and domestic violence in modern American life dramatically express the tensions that are a result of the way we relate to each other. We are strangers to each other, hiding ourselves from our co-workers and neighbors. We go to church to worship God and pretend that all is well to everyone we talk to there. If we are honest with ourselves, we see how distant we are from our family and, at times, our spouse. Around the world we see dramatic examples of racial bigotry, religious intolerance, and terrorism. Yet we find all the same qualities with the American corporation.

David Goff writes: “Despite the best of intentions of pilgrims who pledged at Plymouth Rock to live as ‘members of the same body,’ the American way of life emphasizes the rights and privileges of the individual. This great nation was born by freeing individuals to pursue their own forms of happiness and self-expression. Now, it is threatened by its own success. By sacrificing a sense of the common good in society, American Business provides fertile ground for narcissism, isolationism, and fear of anyone significantly different. . . .This continuing emphasis upon individualism conflicts with our critical need for connection and commitment to one another. Our inability to get along leads to cultural and political gridlock and organizational ineffectiveness.”

It is very confusing to live in our fragmented North American culture. Our marriages and families suffer due to our rugged individualism. Our organizations are less effective as a result of how we relate to each other at work. Please considering watching this video, Dr. Tim Locke talks about the “We Psychology” of Fritz Kunkel and how it relates to marriage and intimacy and life.

Key Words:

Blog 13
Blogs by Daniel Davis, Conscious Marriage and We Psychology
David Goff
Carl Jung, Conscious Marriage
Fritz Kunkel, Intimate Relationships
Timothy Locke, Intimate Relationships
David Schnarch
American business
“Jerry Maguire,” film
North American culture
We Psychology, intimate relationships
”Are You Deeply Connected to Your Beloved?”

Filed Under: Blog, Community, Marriage and Intimacy, Uncategorized Tagged With: American business, Carl Jung, Conscious Marriage, David Goff, David Schnarch, film, Fritz Kunkel, Intimate Relationships, Jerry Maguire, North American culture, Timothy Locke, We Psychology

Marriage and Family in the Information Age

June 10, 2015 By Daniel Davis, LMFT 4 Comments

Ever had a quarrel about Facebook with someone you love?  Does it frustrate you, when someone’s iPhone seems more important than you?

The comedian, Louis CK, said on the Conan O’Brien show: Smartphones are toxic.  Kids need to build empathy and talk to people.  One needs to build an ability to just be yourself and not be doing something.

We live in the information age.  Smartphones and social media, like Facebook and Instagram, affect how we communicate, date, and have sex.

Peter Diamandis notes that a Massai Warrior in Africa with a iPhone in 2015 has access to more information than the US President had only 20 years ago, and he also has better mobile communication than the US President had 26 years ago.  For 100,000 years, more information and better communications consistently made us healthier, wealthier, and more tolerant.  Our ways of communicating provided information in doses we could digest – the drum, smoke signal, cave painting, horse, town crier, carrier pigeon, newspaper, photograph, telephone, radio, and film.

David Shenk writes that around 1945, we began to produce information much faster than we were able to process it.  The invention and technological improvement of the computer, microwave, television, and satellite have produced too much information – a glut.  The amount of knowledge available and the speed of reaching this information provides great benefits, like instant communication with family and loved ones all over the earth.  Yet the information overload we experience leads to confusion, stress, and even ignorance.

Phillip Novak says, “Super-abundance is grand, until we understand that it can rob us of the peace that is our spiritual birthright.”  Children and teens view more than 40,000 ads per year on television, the internet, billboards, and in magazines.  Research has shown children younger than 8 are intellectually and psychologically defenseless against advertising, like television commercials for toys.  Social media sites like Facebook create conflict in marriage and families.   In this video, Manuel Costa, MFT, author of “A Path to Life’s Fullness: A New Perspective on the Teachings of Jesus,” describes the impact of technology on marriage and family.

 

Key Words:

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“Marriage and Family in the Information Age”

Filed Under: Blog, Marriage and Intimacy Tagged With: computer, David Shenk, Manuel Costa, media, Peter Diamandis, Phillip Novak, social media, technology, television

What is Conscious Marriage?

June 2, 2015 By Daniel Davis, LMFT 6 Comments

Do you want to feel good about your relationship?  Love can dazzle us – baffle us!  We often learn about love in film, music, and books.  We talk about love a lot, but we are typically only discussing infatuation or falling in love.  Love is complex, mysterious, and happens in every society on earth.  Love is far beyond mere romantic infatuation or sexual attraction.

Amancer

“To wake up and see your smiling face
is such a pleasure and a privilege to me

To seek the light in the brilliance of your gaze
(the way she looks at him)
is to awaken with love

To see the sun nestled in your hair
and daybreak hiding in your smile

To see that my verse now has rhythm and color
is such a pleasure

To awaken with the importance of knowing
that I am yours that I only belong to you
that never again my dreams will feel cold
It’s to have a future now
To wake-up and see that I have you next to me

To wake up and see your smiling face,
that which I have for so, so, long, sought to have
It is a pleasure, a privilege to me”

Recorded by Luis Miguel
Written by Manzanero

 

When the woman I love calls, I feel wonderful.  When she doesn’t call, I feel sad.  I would call this experience of falling in love, a positive projection.  We often idealize people as teens, seeing them as more powerful, charming, or talented than they actually are.  One can worship a public figure (actress, singer, politician, teacher) or older family member, wanting to learn all about them.  I remember falling in love and thinking that I would feel exactly the same bliss – forever.  Yet over time, we begin to see that the one we love is imperfect – has flaws.  Our feelings change.

With the process of falling out of love, I have a chance of changing.  I can see the person whom I love more accurately.  I may still feel deeply connected to them and even joyful, yet I can see their faults, more clearly.

When we fall out of love, we gain the opportunity to take our projection back.  For we see exaggerated in others that which we fail to see in ourselves.  The very things we love about the other person are qualities ripe to be developed in us.  I fall in love with a socially gifted and funny woman and, in time, may find it important to develop my own social skills.

This is where conscious love begins.  Then we can see each other more as we are, we can choose to love even though we both have faults.  I can learn about the brokenness of my beloved as well as my own with respectful communication.  In this reality lies the great potential of love and intimacy to help us become more mature.  In this video, Manuel Costa, MFT, author of “A Path to Life’s Fullness: A New Perspective on the Teaching of Jesus,” describes healthy marriage.

Key Words:
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Blogs by Daniel Davis, love
“Amancer,” song
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What is Conscious Marriage?

Filed Under: Blog, Marriage and Intimacy Tagged With: Amancer, love, Manuel Costa, marriage, positive projection

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About Daniel Davis, LMFT

I create an environment where clients experience their unique significance, authentic empowerment, and profound acceptance and collaborate with clients to identify solutions to their current crises. For more information on how I can help you, contact me today by calling 408-249-0014 or emailing info@danieldavislmft.com. I look forward to speaking with you! Read More…

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Daniel Davis, M.A., LMFT
Counselor in Santa Clara, CA
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