Grief and Loss Archives - Daniel Davis, LMFT

Do You Know Someone Caring for Their Aging Mom or Dad?

September 9, 2018 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

In 2006, my mom had a stroke. It has been very challenging – at times -caring for my mom as well as making decisions about her welfare. Yet there is little in my life that has taught me more about patience, compassion, faith, and love.

When I began this journey in 2006, I had no idea how long our family, friends, and I would be coping with these complicated and important issues regarding my mother’s care.

But with all the many complications and pain, there has been much growth and joy. I am very grateful for the opportunities that I have had to learn about caring for aging adults.

Janet Child from the Center for Living with Dying has a playlist with several videos about caregiving for aging parents and as well as grief. Please watch these videos:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLhd63xSGvW8AKigSOyLrA2nTCR5ay2g54

Blog 75

What is Tragedy?

August 30, 2018 By Daniel Davis, LMFT 2 Comments

Whether it is a fire, tsunami, or a school shooting, tragedy can come in many forms. A tragedy can be very disruptive both in our relationships and work as well as inside of us – in our thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

We can lose our home in a fire. The many complications of losing a home can create great hardship. We may have no safe place to sleep. We may have lost someone we love dearly to fire.

These complications of our life can be magnified by our internal reactions. We may lose sleep. Our attention may wander. Memories may flood our mind suddenly. We may react angrily for little reason.

Please watch this video by Janet Childs from the Center for Living with Dying about tragedy:

Blog 74

How Do You Resolve Grief? Do You Write In a Journal?

June 26, 2018 By Daniel Davis, LMFT 1 Comment

Writing is a great opportunity to privately express myself. I can journal words not another living soul reads.

There is great freedom in this practice. My language forms a bridge from ideas swimming around in my head to concrete language on paper. I like to use a pen and paper when writing.

Yet, sometimes if I am at the beach, I will use my iPhone to capture ideas in my notes section. Whatever form the writing takes helps me. When I write I am able to integrate the ideas that I write with the emotions I am experiencing about the subject.

Letter writing may be a lost art for many. I remember learning to write letters in school as a child. Now I text and write emails. I cannot remember the last time I sent someone a letter for personal reasons. I do send a birthday card occasionally.

Yet, a letter provides me with an opportunity to express important words that help me heal.

Please watch this video by Janet Childs about expressing grief by writing a letter:

Blog 73

Shame and Guilt and Grief

June 4, 2018 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

Do you avoid talking or thinking about a subject because it is so embarrassing? Have you ever kept a secret from yourself?

Our shame and guilt can have an enormous impact on our lives. We can devise elaborate methods to avoid the pain of toxic shame.

Maya who is gifted in math class pretends to not understand, because she does not want to appear intelligent. Maya would rather not stand out, so she gets a grade of a C instead of an A.

Toxic shame is the feeling and belief that one is worthless. The energy of shame can create walls that keep us from our deepest desires we may not even realize we want.

Our intelligence and our psychological insight cannot prevent toxic shame from robbing us of our joy and fulfillment. Isn’t it a shame when a talented guitarist never plays publicly again because of his need to play perfectly?

Especially in the area of grief and loss, we can be affected by guilt and shame. We may feel responsible for someone’s injury even though it was not our fault.

Please watch this video by Janet Childs about shame and guilt:

Blog 72

What Do You Say When Someone Talks About Taking Their Life?

May 29, 2018 By Daniel Davis, LMFT 1 Comment

On a warm July night in 1985, I drove to the Capital Drive in Movie Theater to watch “Mad Max Beyond Thunder Dome.”

I was 22 years old and had just graduated from West Valley College with my AA degree in French. My friend Arthur who was 33 years old had suggested that we see the film. I was saddened by my father’s death the year before, but I was hopeful about starting at San Jose State University in the Fall as a transfer student.

On this July night, I parked next to the speaker at the drive in theater in my 1984 Toyota Pickup Truck and pulled it into the window of my truck.

Arthur and I chatted about West Valley College and the Oakland Raiders and Sammy Hagar. Arthur suddenly said when I get my check this month, I am going to get my gun out of the pawn shop and kill myself.

I was very angry at Arthur. I was outraged and insisted that he stop talking about it. Arthur kept talking about it, and I drove Arthur home before the movie ever started. I never told anyone what Arthur had said to me. I never spoke to Arthur again.

A month later, Arthur’s brother Bill called me and told me Arthur had killed himself with his shot gun. Bill asked me to be a pall bearer at Arthur’s funeral, and I accepted the honor.

It took me many years to accept what had happened. I felt grief as well as tremendous guilt over many years. My friend Arthur’s suicide was very painful for me.

I wish that I had known to ask someone knowledgeable about Arthur’s intentions to kill himself. I wish I had known what I could do.

Please watch this video by Janet Childs from the Center for Living with Dying about what to say to someone who talks about taking their life:

Blog 71

Coping with Grief and Loss

May 22, 2018 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

Endings are difficult. Divorce, death, and moving to another home seem particularly challenging, when I read research. These research studies use statistics and can sort what events tend to cause people to feel stress.

Individuals are not numbers. What distresses one person can delight another. Bob says divorce is terrible. Jasmine insists divorce is the most incredible event of her life.

Yet again, transitions require us to adjust. It takes some energy to adapt to our new circumstances. Our perception of the change can have a great impact on how we adjust to our new conditions.

Muhammad is devastated, because his wife left. Hafiz was ecstatic, after he left home.

Whether we perceive these events as good or bad, adjustments are required. It is wise to take extra care of ourselves as we go through the passage of change. This doorway can surprise us in its intensity.

Please watch this video by Janet Childs, from the Center for Living with Dying, about coping with loss and grief:

Blog 70

How To Talk to Someone About Cancer

May 15, 2018 By Daniel Davis, LMFT Leave a Comment

In 1981, my dad had told me that he was diagnosed with lymphatic cancer. After exploratory surgery, the doctors had told my dad that he had six months to live.

I enjoyed my time with my dad after I learned of his cancer. My dad and I went out to eat. We watched the San Francisco 49ers on television and went to Candlestick Park to watch the San Francisco Giants.

In early 1984, my mom told me that Howard Abrams, our family friend, had liver cancer. She told me that liver cancer was particularly deadly. She said that I could go see Howard at University of California, San Francisco, Medical Center (UCSF Medical Center), if I wanted to see him before he died. I now had two people close to me with a cancer diagnosis, and I was just 21 years old.

I drove up to San Francisco in my Datsun station wagon. UCSF Medical Center was about an hour drive to the north from Silicon Valley where I was born and still live.

I was shocked when I saw Howard. His hair was patchy. His skin had a yellow color from bile from his liver I think. Howard’s watch dangled loosely around his wrist, because he had lost so much weight.

Howard and I chatted for about an hour or so. He seemed to accept his coming death, even though he had a wife and two small children.

In April 1984, one day my mom told me that Howard had died.

In June 1984, I was driving to the Oregon Coast for a vacation as I was on summer break from West Valley College. I left work at 10:00pm and drove up highway 101 all night until I reached Crescent City, a few miles from the California and Oregon border, where I ate breakfast. After eating, I called my mom to let her know I was safe. My mom said, “Your dad died last night. His heart stopped in the middle of the night.”

Why do bad things happen? I do not know! Cancer seems to be a terrible disease for patients as well as families and friends to endure.

Please watch this video by Janet Childs about what to say to someone who has cancer:

Keywords:
Blog 69
Blogs by Daniel Davis, talking about cancer
Janet Childs
lymphatic cancer
San Francisco 49ers
Candlestick Park
San Francisco Giants
Howard Abrams
liver
San Francisco, Medical Center (UCSF Medical Center)
Datsun station wagon
Oregon Coast
vacation
summer break
West Valley College
highway 101
Crescent City
How To Talk to Someone About Cancer